EDM #125 - Draw a bird
The chicken-run next to my future home.
Pen, watercolor and white ink.
I have some struggles in my life. I try to work with them and grow from them but it is hard.
I want to be able to label myself as an artist. I often find myself saying things like “If I was an artist, I would do this and that..”. Even now when I have decided to call myself Artist I easy add something after that explains that I’m not or something that makes it obvious that I am telling a joke. I guess that I’m not the only one who goes trough this, but I wish I did when I was fifteen instead and that I had already got the habit of being one. Maria the Artist!
It goes deeper than just the label. I avoid things artistic.
It is almost impossible for me to leave comment on other artblogs. I blush and feel uncomfortable when I get recognition, even if I do want to share and show.
I have a hard time to walk in to an art store and buy things I dream of because of this fear that they will laugh at me and point me in the direction of the nearest toy store.
I want to be someone who goes to the museum and is recognized in the gallery but I’m to afraid. Over and over again I have decided to go to different exhibitions before it opens and then it totally slips my mind until the day after it has been closed again.
I have this old shirt that I had when I did some oil painting twenty years ago. when I try to go trough my stuff in my closet I end up with that shirt in my hands. I always decide to keep it to use when painting and right after the decision I always put it in again, way back in the closet beneath everything and completely forget about it until next time.
My aunt told me that my grandmother loved chocolate and sometimes bought a bar of chocolate to herself, took a bite and immediately throw it on the top shelf of the cupboard. In her opinion it was so good taste that it probably sinful to eat it. I have no memories of her and chocolate, but I have tons of memories including other types of candy and pastries. I recognize this in myself. It is so hard for me to do arty stuff and to really make an effort to grow as an artist. I easily take interest in other things. I am a quick learner and I have been working with so many different things. But when people have been asking me of plans for the future I couldn’t say anything. No dreams or goals. But I have a dream, I know that now, but my subconscious just keeps throwing it to the top shelf so I won’t take it for myself.
I need to take it down and enjoy it instead. I can have good things!
This week we found a place that we are going to move to in September. It is so nice and feels so right and it also is something that I have not been able to picture myself in earlier. A lovely pretty home, a place for an Artist. This time I will put a hook beside my drawing area just for the shirt. But I really can’t picture me introducing myself to the new neighbors as an artist. But I have some months to practice!
Please feel free to leave comments. I want to! I just need to accept that I can enyoj them.
Oh, and I would like to share a pic of the porch to be.
Meinhild (inselfan54)
said,
June 30, 2007 @ 17:14
This is so wonderful! Keep on going!!!
Greetings from France!
Barbara
said,
June 30, 2007 @ 18:00
What nice work you do! Your job is to draw/paint EVERY day — that was your own goal — and then post your work and notify us through EDM. Some of us will be clicking and checking and encouraging. And when we don’t, it’s still your job to paint, post, notify! - Barbara
Christine
said,
June 30, 2007 @ 20:46
Your “Chicken Run” is so well done.
Being an artist is not about how much money your art bring in or what the “critics” say but creating. Creating makes you an artist therefore YOU are an ARTIST because YOU do create.
Chris
jan hidden
said,
June 30, 2007 @ 20:57
i LOVE this painting! Fantastic!!!
lin
said,
June 30, 2007 @ 21:14
Oh my friend, but you are an artist — your chicken is fantastic, and your soul needs the wings of permission — that is all — your heart urges, your head stops … art is a heart subject … put your head into making you do something ‘artistic’ each day, a sketch, a bouquet of flowers, and silence that awful admonising head with music or the sound of nature’s wee musicans … take out that shirt and wear it proudly, take up that brush and PLAY!!!!!! we hang far too many monikers on the word artist … for now, think of yourself as creative, and get out there and ENJOY ……!!! your work already has the flair and exuberance your heart is calling for … go forth …..!!!
Sharon
said,
June 30, 2007 @ 22:36
Maria,
A few days ago I looked at your lovely sketch/painting of the food shed with rock wall. It was beautifully done. I spent a long time looking at it and thinking, “I wish I was as talented as this person.” Then today, I looked at your chicken painting. Again, my reaction was, “Beautiful!” After I looked at your painting, I read your post regarding your doubts about whether you could “legitimately call yourself an artist or not. I was amazed. Maria, you ARE an artist, and a very good artist!
I grew up with negative, hypercritical parents and have spent a good part of my life working on overcoming a learned tendency to also be negative and self-critical. It’s a huge waste of time and energy and often has nothing to do with reality, but I work every day to remind myself of that.
In Danny Gregory’s book, “Creative License” he talks about letting go of the inner critic and just enjoying the meditative process of being in the present moment, drawing, painting – enjoying the process, without worrying about whether the art qualifies as a masterpiece. He also has a list of occupations and makes the point – if a person does carpentry, that person is a carpenter. If one teaches, then that person is a teacher. If one makes art, that person is an artist! It has nothing to do with the quality of the work – but rather with the act of doing it.
Be kind to yourself. Your work is lovely!
Serena
said,
June 30, 2007 @ 22:51
Hear….hear……you ARE an artist! I do understand where you’re coming from though as it took me a long time to feel that I could comfortably call myself an artist. Like you, I have artistic goals and, so far, my fears have stopped me from taking the necessary steps to achieve my goals. This seems a contradiction when I own an art business and teach weekly classes but I’m talking more about my own personal art goals. I get tons of encouragement from family and friends but it’s got to start with me accepting that my work is worth it and, from what I read in your post, this seems to a stumbling block for you too. We are moving soon too and I keep telling myself that, when we move, I will make a more conscious effort to make my personal art goals a reality. Maybe our upcoming moves will be a turning point for both of us.
Good luck with your move and I encourage you not to forget to hang that painting shirt. I would love to see more of your work ~ :)
andrea
said,
June 30, 2007 @ 23:06
Hi Maria, firstly this is an absolutley gorgeous painting. Really very gorgeous. The colours are great. I very much enjoyed reading this post and felt very touched by it. I totally relate to what you are saying. I never ever say I’m an artist. It sound so wrong. I feel like people will laugh. I’ve never told people in work about my drawing or blog. And I really understand what you mean about not letting yourself have what you want. Not letting yourself take what you want, and long for, in life. It tough and I struggle each and every day. I can not give you any advice because I am in the same boat. I guess I can just let you know you are not alone. Great and thought provoking post.
TJ
said,
June 30, 2007 @ 23:59
Nu har snart hela världen sagt sitt! De flesta är också eniga; Det är klart du är “an artist”! Det tycker självklart jag också.
Vi längtar ju alltid efter att få se nya alster. Men jag hoppas att du också ritar saker för ditt eget höga nöjes skull.
Hönorna var fantastiska! Jag fattar inte hur du fått till nätet!
Kul att du sparat skjortan. Bra att du redan tänkt en krok till den! Våga använda den också!
Kramar!
Karen
said,
July 1, 2007 @ 01:14
Of course you’re artistic! Just relax and enjoy it and let it happen.
shelly mcc
said,
July 1, 2007 @ 02:29
This is a stunning painting! I love it!
teric
said,
July 1, 2007 @ 03:55
There is no doubt in my mind that you are an artist!! This is a wonderful painting. I agree with Karen, relax and let it happen.
Deni May
said,
July 1, 2007 @ 06:15
Maria……take that shirt and stuff it….set it on a shelf, put a paint brush and a palette in it’s “hands” (gloves??) paint/draw a face on a pillowcase and stuff it for the head…..add an old mop/yarn for hair and plop an absurd hat on it. Let it be your muse or your alter-ego…..buy your art suppies online…keep posting here…..I understand everyone of your doubts, dreams and fears…..you could’ve been speaking for me……..your art is lovely…..an inspiration…..you are an artist….regardless of what you call yourself…………deni may……..;)
Sarah
said,
July 1, 2007 @ 08:01
I love your chickens, beautiful painting. I read your post with a great deal of empathy. I have felt most of that too. Sometimes I revisit it. I don’t know if this is helpful or not, but two things have been helpful to me - small steps (really tiny ones sometimes) and recognising that my path is my path. It doesn’t look like anyones else’s, precisely because it’s mine - in other words do it your own way, whatever you need to do to get where you want to be is absolutely fine, because it’s right for you.
I look forward to enjoying more of your paintings - oh yes - it gets easier!
Joan Y
said,
July 1, 2007 @ 08:14
Maria, your chicken run is beautiful! You are an artist! When your heart sings when you think about drawing … and you walk very slowly past the art store window because you want everything in it … or you see your world through the discerning eye of an artist … then my dear, you are an artist. You’ve found a great community of supportive artists at EDM who draw everyday because it matters to them. This is the heart of a true artist in my opinion. Art matters to all of us. Welcome to the club!
TJ
said,
July 1, 2007 @ 14:36
HONDURAS!!!! Mia; Honduras!!!! (Jag vet knappt var det ligger…)
USA, England, Australien, Frankrike… och var Barbara kommer ifrån vet vi inte. Men nu har verkligen hela världen sagt att du är en konstnär!
Lynn
said,
July 1, 2007 @ 18:59
Go ahead and call yourself an artist. That chicken painting is absolutely gorgeous.
Karin (sisu)
said,
July 1, 2007 @ 20:25
Maria,
I graduated from college in 2004 with a BFA rather late in my life (46).. I still meet regularly with 3 other friends who I met in my art classes… Of the 4 of us, college gave me the confidence to say, with pride… I AM AN ARTIST..
My point is that it really wasn’t the degree that made me an artist, it was the confidence.. So with that said, YOU ARE AN ARTIST! Great painting, I absolutely love it.. Puff your chest out just like… ummm, a rooster and take a bow!!!!!
Karin
juj
said,
July 1, 2007 @ 23:57
Hi Maria - First off, let me say that this is just an absolutely lovely painting. Great color, great composition, and a great job with the fence. Second, congratulations on your new soon-to-be home. I hope you will have many many happy days creating and living life there.
I echo what everyone here has said - especially Sharon’s reminder from Danny’s book. You create art - you are an artist. I also echo that you are not alone. Every artist I have ever known - including myself - has felt the way you describe. Some days more than others.
The thing is, it doesn’t matter. Because whether you ever find the courage to call youself an artist or not it is what you are. It isn’t the sum total of you (no one thing ever is) but it is part of you and you can’t change that. And since it is inevitable, you might as well embrace it. I think you will find that the more you do the easier it will all become.
Sherie
said,
July 15, 2007 @ 22:15
You know, I can empathize with everything you said. Fear is a funny thing. It can keep us from meeting new people and it can also stop us from ever leaving our house. And it’s so hard to pin point why this fear is so pervasive in some people and not in others. But, the fact that you were able to put your feelings into words shows me that you are ready to fight the fear and move on with your life. I’ve been there and I’m sure a lot of other people have been, too. Sharing your art and your feelings will help to stomp the fear. I used to look forward to openings, and then when I would get there I would stand off in a corner watching everyone else having a good time. I wanted to be the center of attention, but my personality does not allow it. So, now I just accept it. I still look forward to openings, but now I don’t put any pressure on myself to take part, and it’s easier to relax and have fun. And I have met some wonderful artists who accept me as one of them. I guess getting older has something to do with it, I don’t know. Don’t feel embarrassed about calling yourself an artist. That’s who you are. Keep creating and sharing and it will get easier. No one is going to point and laugh at you, that’s that nasty critical part of your psyche talking and the more you create, the easier it will get to shut it up. Congrats on the new house! I just love your painting! That wire is so awesome. I get caught up in the little details.
Barbara
said,
August 14, 2007 @ 07:59
September is getting closer and closer. Soon you will be in your new hope with the hook on the wall for your painting shirt, Ms. Artist. I loved reading about your hopes for your own future. Good luck! - Barbara
Rah Kyndl
said,
August 14, 2007 @ 23:24
I like your stuff. It has ‘body’…and the use of the white ink for the chicken wire: cool. (I may have to steal that one.)
Martín
said,
August 17, 2007 @ 02:18
i DO love this watercolour! who says you’re not an artist? You? Don’t believe yourself =) believe IN yourself, you have the capacity to create an art piece. I’ve found beautiful works here. I’m adding you in my blogroll. greetings & best wishes.
martín
said,
February 20, 2008 @ 17:40
I FOUND IT I FOUND IT!!!!! Here it is, beautiful as I remembered!!!